


Take me to harbour

by kurosuisen



Series: The light that never goes out [1]
Category: Dunkirk (2017)
Genre: M/M, Military, Period-Typical Homophobia, Pre-Canon, Romance, Secret Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-27
Updated: 2017-09-27
Packaged: 2019-01-06 01:48:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12201471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kurosuisen/pseuds/kurosuisen
Summary: The glimpses of how they met, how they have noticed each other and how they became each other’s everything.The blonde one, named Collins, looks at him and smiles. The smile lasts only a few seconds, but Farrier can’t help but smile back.





	Take me to harbour

Most of the newest rookies are noisy waiting at the courtyard to be assigned to training teams. There are whispers and laughter that can be heard from the inside where the older, more experienced pilots were gathered to meet them. Only some of the rookies remains calm – those whose faces seem serious and the frightened ones that no one expected to meet the expectations after passing several medical and intelligence tests. It’s surprising to see that some of them were chosen to start the flying training programme.

One of the leaders welcomes the new boys with words that are supposed to make them proud of being there and burn the fighting spirits in them. Some of the rookies listen and some of the rookies still whispers. They realize that some time after the man becomes quiet, waiting for them to calm down and listen. The silence is disturbing and they look around, confused.

Another minute pass by before the man speak up again – this time he have full attention of the rookies.

They are divided to training groups in alphabetical order, he says. Each group has two instructors assigned – experienced one and one who was just starting his job as trainer. Farrier is amongst beginners because they need good pilots like him to share his knowledge with other ones. They are short with pilots and there is huge problem with professional flying teachers so the Royal Army does their best to use their promising pilots to train new ones.

The group he is assigned to consist of ten boys in the age from eighteen to twenty something. He’d seen the two of them laughing before, but now they were quiet, feeling the assessing gaze of the older trainer on them.

The noisy two will be a problematic duo, Farrier decides. The shortest boy of the group seems weak, but there is a fire in his sharp eyes. The big guy seems strong, but he doesn’t want to be there. One boy is shy and Farrier is afraid that it would be difficult to him to reach the boy. Two boys are just teenagers, they are not sure what are they doing in the training base. The long-haired boy smiles with a confidence and Farrier can’t decide whether it’s only appearance or he has some experience at flying. The blonde one catches his attention. He’s observant one, watching the others in silence. He might be the leader of the group. Farrier has the feeling that he will get in conflict with the tanned one. And usually Farrier’s premonitions are correct. He hopes that no matter how different all those boys are, they will make a good team and they will get friendly, just like his first team and he have been.

The boys introduce themselves and some of Farrier’s assumptions turn out correct.

The blonde one, named Collins, looks at him and smiles. The smile lasts only a few seconds, but Farrier can’t help but smile back.

*

Collins had been anxious about the first training until the moment he saw the beautiful machine standing on the runway. After the breakfast they had some free time to take a walk around the training facility and the blonde stopped by the training grounds. It was early in the morning and he was wondering whether other groups already had their first training. Each training ground was assigned to a few groups, but it turned out that his team started first that day.

Childishly he hid behind the frame of harbour gate at the sight of the man checking something in the plane. It took him a few seconds to recognise the younger flying instructor from the day before. The man was a little shorter than him and his jacket seemed ridiculously big on him, but when he turned back, Collins had found himself staring. But his hiding place doesn’t go unnoticed.

‘Come out… Collins, isn’t it? I could hear you. Don’t mind me. Have a good ears. ’

The blonde trainee sighed at the remark and walked out of the harbour.

‘I have a use for you. Do you mind?’

‘No. Not at all, sir.’ Collins shook his head at the question, not sure if he should salute or something, just like some instructors was expecting rookies to do so.

‘Sir? There’s probably five or six years of difference between us, so need to call me sir. I’m Farrier.’ the man smiled and raised his hand to show him the toolbox standing by the entrance to the harbour. ‘Could you bring it here?’

Collins did as he was told, putting the toolbox on the ground beside the man.

‘Take a look. That’s the heart of the plane, the engine’ he pointed at what seemed only a tangle of cables for Collins. ‘You won’t be flying this plane today. Something is not right about the sound of the engine. After some time you’ll be able to notice that yourself. Wrench?’

The blonde nodded and gave him the tool. He stopped behind the instructor and frowned, carefully watching his hands as the man loosen some part that he had no idea how to call. Farrier seemed to know exactly what he was doing. There was a confidence in every move of his. By the time Farrier had finished what he was doing with the plane, two other boys from the team appeared in the harbour entrance. Hours of training were waiting for them – first ones with the instructor in the cockpit behind his back.

Even if the second trainer appeared, the blonde was relieved to have flights with Farrier. Entering the plane seemed strange experience. If he didn’t know that he was about to put the machine in the air, he would pretend it was some kind of amusement park thing. But he knew that he had to pull the plane up, so when he entered the cockpit, he had this strange feeling that he just came off his hinges.

‘Get a grip, boy. You will make it up’ Farrier reassured him and sat himself on the seat behind. Collins knew the theory very well. He looked down to see the parts that he was expecting, checking the desk, the fuel level just as he had been told on the theory classes. ‘Don’t be nervous. I will lead you. I can steer the plane if you had any doubts, but we’re not going up until you do it yourself, Collins.’

Farrier explained to him what he had already heard and read probably thousand times, but trying not to use the jargon vocabulary, simplifying everything so that the blonde trainee could focus on what he did instead of processing the words. He asked him to repeat everything and show what he was about to do before letting him actually do it.

Collins took a deep breath before grasping the steering stick and slowly starting. Collins gasped when the plane slightly risen up. The feeling of the machine completely leaving the ground left him breathless.

The plane goes up to the sky and the clouds seem a little closer and for a moment Collins is convinced that is not him who pilots the plane. But when he looks back, Farrier has his hands behind his head and smiles at him. For a short moment Collins want to scream at the sight of ground above him. He is amazed and he want to scream of excitement, but restrain from it with the sudden realisation that for the man behind his back flying is probably something as common as walking. The plane goes up and Collins laugh, feeling almost intoxicated with the view of the world above becoming smaller. Their training grounds with the runway is and other trainees becomes small points on the land.

‘Isn’t it too high for you, lad?’ Farrier tapped him in the arm and Collins looked at him, alarmed because he could have done something wrong and didn’t even notice. He opened his lips to say something, but the man smiled at him again. ‘Easy. You’re doing great.’

If Collins wasn’t so focused on steering the machine, he would punch him for joking like that.

For him the flight lasted for seconds and was finished too fast. Farrier helped him with landing, explaining everything he should do and why. When he was back down again, he was sure that the ground above his feet wasn’t stable. Farrier caught him by the arm before he even had a chance to lose his balance for good.

‘You’re good, mate?’ he asked and Collins had felt his cheeks getting red. It was strange, but found this firm touch comforting.

‘You can get some rest. Who’s next in the line?’

The blonde nodded and stopped his gaze at the man’s hand, still on his arm, for a little too long that it was necessary to keep him stable on the ground. The other plane was still in the air, so there were eight guys left to try their first flight. The next ones who wanted to fly was troublesome duo that almost got into fight with some more experienced pilot during breakfast.

Collins stayed there to watch the others fly, some seemed to have problems with steering and keeping the plane in the line, some made the planes go up and down in a strangely manner. One seemed to show off, speeding up the plane all of the sudden, probably the one who was speaking of his experience as a pilot.

During a lunch break the blonde had found himself still sitting on the ground across the harbour, watching as Farrier talk with the other instructor, the one he couldn’t even recall his last name. He wished he could only here what they were talking about, probably commenting the abilities of their new rookies. Did they already see their capabilities? Were they able to guess their good sides and notice the bad sides? Collins wanted to know what he should focus on, but he guessed that one flight was nothing. He had to improve everything.

He bowed slightly when the older instructor passed him by and was ready to go back to the base when he heard Farrier’s voice behind. He turned back to see the other man waving at him.

‘Still up to help me at repairing?’ the man asked and Collins had found himself smiling as he nodded at the question.

*

Collins wasn’t the top pilot in the group – that title definitely belonged to the long-haired Harry Chapman, the boy that used to mention that his father was a pilot at every possible opportunity. Those two were probably the most promising ones in the team he was supposed to train. The blonde rookie was always focused on his job and did what he was supposed to do. There was no trace of recklessness in his piloting style.  Chapman was fast and unpredictable and that was also something that left good impression.

With every passing week Farrier watched with growing proud as the blonde improve, his actions getting more tactical and calculated. He enjoyed the sky sparring with the man – both flying with him and watching as he tries his best with other trainees. What he liked the most was the fact that Collins helping him with current repairing and routine inspections of their planes had become a regular thing. Farrier enjoyed their time together and realised that he was slowly growing closer to him, looking forward to their meetings. 

So instead of trying to ignore or prevent the feelings that were slowly building up in him, he took every opportunity to have him around. He wanted him around on the ground and in the sky, so by the time the training programme was over, Farrier asked to assign Collins as his flying partner and his request was accepted. Everyone who had seen them two up in the sky would understand why. Their skills were perfectly combined together and they were good at watching each other’s back.

For their days off they were allowed to leave the base. If the break was short one, they usually visited the neighbouring towns – to meet the girls or have a drink. The team that Farrier used to train often meet to have a beer in a bar and sometimes they invited him as well, usually when it was something more important. That time was no different – they invited him because one of them has birthday and he wanted to drink with both of their instructors.

The bar they went was a noisy place full of the air forces members who spent their free evening drinking, playing cards and sharing stories of their latest reconnaissance missions. Most of them didn’t grasp the reality of the war that had barely begun.

Collins, when drunk, used to talk about books which was the topic no one was interested when they had another glass of liquor poured. Farrier enjoyed his monologues at the beginning and was surprised when the blonde started to bring him his favourite books so that the monologues changed into dialogues after some time.

Even if they tried to keep up with the conversation around, not long later they started their own conversation, this time about one of ‘Sherlock’ novel that Collins had found in the library, finished in one evening and brought it to Farrier. He was more than happy to hear that the older pilot had already known this work.

‘Do me a birthday gift and read something by Lewis’ Collins laughed and waved his hand at the bartender to get him some more beer. Farrier frowned. Sometimes the choice of literature that Collins read made him wonder.

‘And when exactly do you have birthday? We didn’t even have time to talk about Huxley’s works.’ Farrier sipped his own beer, watching the blush on the other one’s cheeks. That was always a reliable sign that Collins should stop drinking soon if he didn’t want to have a killer hangover the next day.

‘Didn’t you go through my files to find out?’ the blonde seemed disappointed at the thought. ‘It’s June, 11th. ‘

‘No, mate. Your files are quite safe’ he said and pull his hand to grasp a small bowl of peanuts for a snacks. Collins was the first who grasped a few peanuts to eat it. Farrier used to laugh that no matter how much peanuts they would have offer to the blonde, he would eat everything. ‘If it’s July, then I should get some reading time.’

It was enough for Collins to brighten up.

‘Are you up for dance, boys?’ someone asked, interrupting in the middle of the conversation. There was a nice young lady waiting for the reply. Farrier thought that if he’ll make his most daunting face, they would be left alone. But it didn’t help as the woman giggled at him and reached out for Collins’ hand.

Farrier blinked as he heard the man laughing and grasping her hand, bowing slightly.

‘Of course, m’lady…!’ he said and led her to the small dance floor, leaving the older pilot gaping. Farrier should have expected that, but realised that this action of Collins was far beyond his imagination.

He bit his lips, trying not to look as the blonde was dancing with this young woman. She was thin and the green dress made her look beautiful, creating a perfect contrast with her red hair. Collins, with his poetic nature, would probably call her English Rose. He had already heard him using this term.

As if out of spite, the next song played in the radio turned out to be a slow one. Collins just had his hands on her waist, he was just smiling when their eyes met and he was just speaking something to her ear – it was enough to make Farrier envious of her. It was enough to make him envious that he couldn’t be there instead of her and feel those hands on his body. He could only imagine how warm the other one’s body was. He looked at his beer and then back at the pair, hoping that the dance was finished, but they were still in each other’s arms.

He knew it was ridiculous, but he could feel the pang of envious when he noticed how Collins, as the gentleman he was, kissed the girl’s hand at the end of the song.

‘Let’s go back’ says Collins as he lean to drink the rest of his beer. Farrier can smell the woman’s sweet perfumes on him and it makes him at ease. He doesn’t like it. He likes the smell of cigarettes and forest that reminds him of the blonde man. For a moment he wants to grasp him by the neck to nuzzle his nose in his light skin and smell the fragrance underneath. Sometimes he wonders if it’s easy to notice that he feels something about the younger pilot.

‘Why?’ Farrier asked after a few seconds, when he was quite sure he would not do anything stupid.

‘I’m not exactly in the mood to listen Tommy joking around about me getting a wife next week’ said Collins and the older one frowned at the words.

‘Oh’ he replied after a long moment of silence between them.

It took him another few seconds to get up and follow the younger man to the door. They left the bar after short goodbyes with the rest. Farrier was sure that if Collins hadn’t decided otherwise, they would spend hours until morning there. He felt somehow relieved about leaving, but the excuse seemed off so he wondered if someone had done something to make Collins upset.

The air outside was cold and it made Collins tremble a little. The blonde man was always cold and he would wear some extra shirt even on summer evenings. It always made Farrier feeling protective over him. It never happened that the blonde got sick because of cold, but the older man always wanted to lend him his scarf or jacket. Once he gave him his own gloves and never asked to get them back deciding that Collins needed it more than he did.

‘You never told me when your birthday is. Is it a big secret?’ asked Collins suddenly and Farrier looked up at him, surprised.

‘No. You never asked. And I didn’t consider it an important piece of information’ he replied, but the look he got from the younger one made him feel that it was silly answer. ‘1st of May.’

‘Workers’ Day? That sounds like you’ Collins laughed and the older man could swear he would listen to that laugh for eternity. Some time ago he seemed quite drunk, but now the blushes were gone and his voice was steadier. Farrier didn’t expect that the man would make him speechless so easily. ‘You have to start telling me things I don’t ask you about, Farrier.’

*

Collins realised that his feeling for Farrier was more than friendship somewhere between a mug of coffee and sandwiches they had for lunch while repairing some old trainer plane. Something about Farrier’s laugh made Collins heart beat faster back then. With every day that went by the younger man grew more and more attracted and attached to the pilot.

‘Want some?’ the blonde man caught Farrier sitting on the windowsill, filling up the reports of the new rookie team he got assigned to train.

The older pilot looked at him and it took him five seconds to notice that he had a big mug of coffee and the plate in his hands.

‘Where’d you get the cake?’ he asked and sat at the edge of the windowsill, to make some space for the blonde man.

‘The cook’ Collins said simply and it was all Farrier needed to know. He was hoping that the cook seen him more as a son than something else. The older man took the mug from him, waiting as he will take a seat beside him. ‘She doesn’t even know I don’t like sweets. Luckily it’s not wasted with you here.’

Collins exchanged the plate with a cake for a mug of his coffee and smiled, taking a sip of hot aromatic liquid. It was already late October and it was clear that they were at war. Somehow the blonde had the feeling that the upcoming winter was supposed to be the calmest period before everything around turn out to storm.

He leaned his back on the glass of the window and smiled, watching as the other man eat the cranberry cake. He was pretty sure that Farrier would be happy if he got him any sweets. Watching the twenty-eight old man being so happy about the cake he brought somehow made his heart melt. During the training Farrier would act strict, he would notice and remark every mistake and some of the rookies didn’t like him before they would realise that he acted like that for their own good. The man sitting on the wide windowsill and laughing when the sweet caramel spilled on his chin was making him feel hopeful about the future. He made him feel something strange in the chest – the warm feeling he remembered having years ago when meeting the neighbour’s older son, Rory.

‘No coffee for me?’ Farrier’s question burst him out of his thoughts. He gave the man his own mug and laughed at his unhappy face. Even though he liked sweets so much, coffee had to be bitter. Preferably with no milk which was opposite of how Collins liked his coffee. ‘That’s practically milk, mate. Gosh, I hate paperwork.’

Collins shrugged off and took a look at the papers on the man’s knees.

‘Anyone promising?’ he asked, sipping the coffee. The mug kept his hands warm, but it wasn’t the first time that he wanted to grasp the older man’s hand and feel the warmth of his touch.

‘Two boys. Barely twenty.’

‘Anyone up to take my place as your flying partner?’

Collins bit his lips as he feel the gaze of the other man, suddenly so serious. Suddenly he regrets asking that question. He has no idea why he asked that.

‘No one is replacing you as my flying partner.’

The confidence in the older man’s voice makes Collins’ heart pounding in his chest a little faster. Sometimes he wonder how obvious is the fact that he wants to be around the older man. He’s not sure whether it’s not so easy to notice or people are just blind. Both options are good. Sometimes he wonders if Farrier notices that. Farrier’s blueish eyes can be very expressive and yet the blonde find it hard to read what exactly is going on in other man’s head. He wonders if his gaze can means something else.

‘Why would you think like that?’ Farrier asked and put the plate away, to touch his shoulder, giving the younger man a curious look. Collins focused on his mug, avoiding the other one’s gaze. He was feeling uncomfortable about how the man was watching him. There was something demanding about the way Farrier kept his hand on his shoulder.

‘It was stupid. Don’t mind it’

Farrier gave up at his tone and Collins sighed, relieved.

‘Hey, let’s go out, mate.’ the older man said and before he had chance to protest, he can feel Farrier’s hand on his wrist and the man lead him to the door.

Collins was barely able to keep the mug in his hand and not spill its content on the floor. It’s late October and Collins shivered at the cold air as they left the building. He sipped his coffee, regretting that he had poured so much milk and it’s practically cold now when he needed it to be hot.

He doesn’t complain about the cold only because he doesn’t want Farrier to hear him complaining about the weather again. But the older man notices that and just a few seconds later he stop in the middle of their way to pull his green scarf around younger man’s neck. He always notices thing.

‘Don’t thank me.’

Collins looks at his back as the man turned to go further and he needs awhile to regain his consciousness and follow him. There is a scent of the man’s cologne on the scarf and it’s almost as good as the warm touch he would love to feel.

They passed and the warehouse and Collins looked at the older man a little surprised when they stopped in front of the tall fence. He sighed, not sure what was Farrier’s idea and drank the last sips of his coffee, choosing not to waste it. He left the mug on the high windowsill of the building they stopped. Farrier was on the other side of the fence before he even finished the coffee and Collins joined him with a loud sigh. He landed on the ground and grasped the man’s hand when Farrier helped him up.

There was a farm nearby and Collins was surprised when the older pilot was warmly welcomed by the man who seemed to be the owner of it. The blonde smiled at the sight of horses, visible from the open doors of the stable, but even though Farrier knew his riding past, it wasn’t the reason why they visited this place. The older man led him further and stopped by the big canopied corral where the big kennel was located. Collins gave Farrier questioning look, but the man only smiled and went inside. Only a few seconds after, he was back with a small puppy in his arms. Just half-hour ago he was a serious instructor of flying team and then, with a little dog in his arms, he seemed as happy and carefree as a child.

‘Look how small he is’ Farrier lifted the dog gently, so that the puppy touched Collins’ arms with his little paws. For a moment the blonde man didn’t know how to react, he wasn’t very good with dogs, but he decided to take the puppy from Farrier’s hands. It was worth the beautiful smile he got from the man. He laughed when older pilot brought the second puppy just a moment later.

‘How did you know they were here?’ asked Collins, trying to avoid having his face licked by a happy little dog and failed. He dried his face with a sleeve and laughed, because it didn’t help and the puppy tried again.

‘The army buys dogs from this man. In our base there are five or six from here. Alsatians. Smart guys’ he explained, probably noticing that Collins acted a little awkward with the dog. ‘He likes you.’

‘Yeah. I can feel that’ once again Collins tried to hide his face from the dog, but it was useless when the baby dog was almost demanding the man to pet him.

‘I’m going to take one from here after the war is over’ said Farrier and gently put the dog away on the ground. He laughed, because it didn’t keep the puppy from trying to climb on his knees. ‘Don’t you like dogs?’

‘I do like every animal. But don’t like to have my face licked like that’ following the Farrier’s example, Collins had also left the puppy on the grass and smiled when the two dogs started barking at each other quietly. His first instinct was to separate them, but Farrier had stopped him.

‘So would you prefer to have a cat?’ Farrier asked and pointed at the ginger feline watching them from the distance. ‘I can’t imagine having a home without any pet.’

‘I…’ Collins was silent for a moment. Having this conversation like that seemed a little off to him. Why would Farrier ask him about planning a home when they were at the verge of war and home was such a distance thing? ‘I can’t even imagine going back home.’

There was a long silence between them and Collins bit his lips. He probably unveiled too much. He didn’t want to be a grumpy kid in front of this man, but sometimes he couldn’t stop himself from being to sincere about his feelings.

He felt the other man’s hand again on his shoulder and this time he lifted his head to look the man in the eyes.

‘You will be back home, Finley.’

*

The closer they got, the more afraid Farrier was of losing him. He trusted in the man’s abilities but felt furious when he had found out that Collins was sent on the mission without him knowing. He found out only because the blonde visited him to say that he was leaving. He was upset that a decision to send him was made without him knowing. He was upset, because he couldn’t be there to make sure he would be back alive. And Collins didn’t even say goodbye.

Luckily, he was back in one piece. It was a simple reconnaissance mission. Nothing could go wrong, he said. But Farrier knew that everytime they left the base, everything could go wrong. That was when he realised the reason of his worry of the younger man. He remembered those feelings from years ago, from times when he didn’t have to occupy his mind with the dangers of war, when he was a little younger and a little more careless.

After Collins went back from the mission, Farrier watched the mission assignments he could have access much more closely.  He didn’t want to miss anything. He wanted to protect him even though the blonde pilot was perfectly capable of protecting himself. He knew that because they still trained together both in the air and on the ground. Collins had become quite difficult opponent. He knew how to mislead him with almost bookish manoeuvres, to win with a stable unpredictability as he called it. They were fair opponents for each others.

As Farrier became the independent instructor, he used to invite Collins for training with rookies. Those who tried to show off faced the reality they couldn’t believe as they heard that the blonde had spent relatively small amount of time in the air forces.  While Harry from Collins’ team was a legend, Collins was a challenge.

When Farrier was assigned to deliver plane parts from other base, located hours from the one they were in, he didn’t even think as he gave Collins’ last name to the command. If there was a chance to be outside the base, he would always use that. And if he had choice, he always let Collins feel it too. The air that wasn’t polluted with a plane fuel, the people that didn’t wear uniforms and the building that wasn’t made for the army, cities were the live still went on. That was something that kept Farrier going in this war.

‘We’re staying there for a night. Then going back with parts’ he decided as they got to the truck. Collins was excited for the trip just a day before, but now he was falling asleep right from the beginning of the trip, visibly finished off after exhausting training he got himself at the gym in the evening. The blonde was the one who promised to keep him company with talking, but Farrier didn’t mind silence if some short naps was what he needed to feel better later.

After some time of driving Farrier had to turn on the radio, because he was getting sleepy in silence. Collins didn’t mind. He got himself a blanket from his room so he was all warm and cosy on the passenger’s seat. With Collins sleeping, he needed some sound in the background.  He didn’t expect that the radio would be something to wake the younger man up.

The blonde is sleepy and looks at him with his eyes barely open. Again he covers himself carefully with the blanket and follows Farrier’s hands, his face looking as if he wasn’t much interested in anything but sleeping, but the man has woken him up with music. The older man is about to say something, when Collins open his mouth and start singing with the vocalist. Farrier never heard this song before, but Collins does. He knows the lyrics perfectly well as he sing along. At the beginning his voice is quiet, but it gets stronger when the chorus part stars. Farrier doesn’t know much about music, but even he can hear that the younger man’s voice is pure and the timbre seem so soothing. He tries to focus on driving, but he takes a look at the man from time to time, because Collins seems so bright when singing. The song can be about love or can be about friendship, Farrier is not sure, but it makes him want to hold the man’s hand, even if only for a few seconds.

Collins was quiet during the next song, watching the road before them, but the one that was played after made him smile and Farrier smiled with him, humming it barely audibly, because that was the one he had heard before.

Two hours later Farrier had found himself tired. He was rubbing his eyes, trying to stay focused, but it was difficult. It had been some times since he was driving for such a long time. He didn’t want to complain so he kept driving, but the blonde had noticed how he tried to keep his eyes open.

‘Hey, mate… Stop here. Let me’ his voice was firm and so was his gaze. For a moment Farrier wanted to protest, but he knew that the tiredness would overcome him at some point. And he didn’t want to risk. With a quiet sigh the older man gave up and stopped the car on the roadside.

He leave the engine turned on and let Collins replace him on the driver’s seat. He watched as Collins set the driver’s seat further and moved the car back to the road. Farrier wanted to keep him company, but dozed off for some time.

When he opened his eyes again, it was already dark outside, but he couldn’t trace any tiredness on Collins’ face. Instead, there was something else and it took Farrier awhile to indentify the pain visible on the man’s focused face. He frowned, worried. Another seconds passed by before he realised what caused him pain. Collins clenched the driving wheel with only one hand. For some time he clenched it with his right hand and then changed it to his left hand. Even in a weak light Farrier was able to notice that the man’s hands were abraded and slightly swollen.

‘What happened?’ he asked, grasping the others’ hand before he was even able to stop himself. It was inappropriate to keep his hand in his owns and even though Collins hand is red of abrasion, it felt so right to feel it. The blonde hissed quietly, probably the touch had made the swollen place hurt more.

‘What?’ Collins looked at their hands for a moment, and then looked back at the road and it took him awhile to get what the other one was asking. He didn’t move his hand away. ‘Nothing serious, don’t mind it’ he scorned Farrier’s worried expression, but the other man didn’t let him just ignore it.  ‘It’s… It’s just the gym. The rope always makes my hands all swollen.’

Farrier frowned at the explanation and then remembered the fact that Collins was hurried when he told him about their trip. It was probably shortly before he went to the gym that was arranged in one of base’s hall and that was how the abrasion was done.

‘Did you try anything for that?’ he asked, but he knew the answer perfectly well. Collins didn’t like visiting the medical wing and he usually ignores any signs of upcoming illness. There is nothing strange in the fact that he also ignored his swollen hands.

‘Oh, please, it’s just a bruise’ Collins shrugged at the question.

‘But it makes you hurt’ Farrier replied with a surprisingly firm tone. Collins looked up at him, probably as surprised as he was. ‘Stop the car.’

‘No. We’re already late. I can manage’ the blonde’s voice is as stubborn as his. He speeded up and Farrier snorted, upset.

‘Stop the fucking car, Fin’ there is a tension between them and Collins fights to say something mean, but slows down the car as Farrier watches the speed meter with a full attention.

When the car was stopped, the older man took the first aid kit from the hide and frowned. Most of the content is useless, but he noticed the ointment he needed.

‘Give me your hands’ he asked, his tone seemed stubborn and soft at the same time. Collins was hesitating for awhile, but pulled out his hands, letting him do what he wanted.

Farrier nodded slowly and spilled the ointment on his own hands. It smelled mint and suddenly the scent fill up all the air around them. The ointment was cold and Collins shivered when the pilot’s fingers brushed his swollen skin. Farrier realised that the man suddenly seemed so strangely tensed. He didn’t feel the other man being angry – there was just this strange tension as if Collins was ready to move away at every second, but Farrier tried to ignore that.

He might not look like a delicate man, but there was such tenderness in the way he slowly applied the ointment on the other one’s skin, that it felt almost unreal. He was surprisingly gently because in that moment he had felt as if he was keeping the biggest treasure of the world in his hands. It was one of those rare moments when he could let himself be close to him with no need to worry that someone would notice that there was something off about this.

The man bits his lips, looking at the other one’s hands, not sure what else to do when the ointment was spread at the top and bottom of Collins’ skin. His hands are wet and slick, so Farrier keeps them up, because he doesn’t want the younger man to touch anything. He doesn’t know why, but he slowly brushes the narrow scar on the blonde’s wrist with his fingers. It feels good to touch his hands and if that’s all he can get from him, he wants it for as long as it is possible.

When he looks up, he can feel Collins gaze on him. It’s strange to have those big blue eyes so focused on him. Usually the other’s man gaze is not so obvious, usually he doesn’t feel his heart pounding so hard in his chest, because usually they’re never so close as this time. When Collins lean to him, Farrier is convinced that the sound of his beating heart is so loud that everyone in the world can hear it. He stops breathing when he feels the other one’s breath on his lips. Suddenly they are so close that he can practically see the tiny lines of the other one’s blue irises.

Collins is the one to make the brave step. Collins is the one who makes them both shiver when their lips finally meet. Farrier gasp at the delicate touch and feel breathless because this is exactly what he has always wanted to feel. He is hesitant for a few second, he wonder if it’s real, but the cold of wet fingers make him a little more lucid.

If Collins wants to move away because of the slight fear that Farrier would not feel the way he did, the man doesn’t let him move away. For a moment the older pilot wants to keep him as close as possible, so he clenches his fingers around the man’s hands and make him gasp of pain. Farrier hums a little ‘sorry’ and loosens his grip first to run his fingers through the man’s soft hair. Collins doesn’t protest and Farrier feels his slick hands on his neck and he doesn’t mind because the blonde deepen the kiss and it seems so right. He was almost intoxicated with the gentleness, but it doesn’t keep him from give the kiss back, eagerly, as if he was afraid that this precious moment would be the only one between them.

When they fell apart, both were breathless. Their lips were red and cheeks flushed. For a few seconds both seemed to be afraid to look up and look each other in the eyes, but when they did, both could see a mix of emotions – shock, excitement, relief, happiness, even some fear. There was a moment of hesitation as both of them didn’t know what to say, but Farrier slowly raised his hand to touch the warm cheek of the younger man. Slowly he contoured the curve of Collins’ jaw with his finger, waiting for the man to push him away, but it didn’t happen. When the blonde raised his hand either, Farrier was a little uneasy, but his lips curved into a small smile when Collins clasped the older pilot’s hand to his warm cheek.

‘I’ve wanted to do that for a very long time’ the blonde whispered. His voice was too quiet, but it made the moment even more intimate than it already was. Somewhere in the middle of nowhere, in the darkness of the car there were only the two of them and they were finally looking each other in the eyes, realising things they’d been hiding.

‘I am lucky that you are the brave one here then’ said Farrier and regretted it at once, because that was the most ridiculous thing to be told after such a confession. But Collins laughed quietly and it made Farrier sigh with relief. He had no better words to reply, still overwhelmed with the warm feeling of the other one’s lips he still felt on his. Gently he took the other’s hand in his own and brushed the red bruises with his lips, watching as Collins close his eyes at the feeling.

Farrier felt warmth in the depths of his heart. It had been ages since he felt something like that and he can’t help but smile. This time he was the one who leaned to the other man and gave him a delicate kiss, imprinting a smile on the other’s lips. The kiss was short and a little clumsy; he could feel that they were both a little uncertain about what they should do, because they had to learn each other in a new way that stayed unknown for them until that moment.

‘We still have some way to drive’ Collins reminded him and Farrier sighed heavily. He could happily stay on the middle of this road if that meant having him as close as it was possible, but they had to go further, they had their duties.

‘Let me drive, will you?’ he asked and he could see that the blonde was a little hesitant about it, but nodded. Once again Farrier went out around the car to seat on the driver’s seat while Collins just unfolded the seatbelts and changed the place.

The rest of their way passed in completely different atmosphere. Collins was still humming some song quietly, but when their eyes met, they both smiled and looked away, perplexed. Sometimes he would brush his hands with his fingers when the older man had his hand on the gear box and Farrier would smile, because this gentle touch makes his heart beat a little faster.

It was late when they got to the base they were heading to. They are welcomed by the soldier’s on the gate duty and for a moment there was a silly thought in Farrier’s mind whether they could notice that something between the two of them started blooming just some time ago. The officer that was in charge of the equipment storage was not there, so they had to wait until morning. They were invited for a late dinner in the canteen and the single room was offered to them. The base was clearly more important that the one they served in. The food was better, the building looked renovated and they even got a room for two while in their base only important guests would get a nice room.

‘Going shower’ said Collins and suddenly they both realised how awkward this sounded, after the kiss. It wasn’t like they hadn’t seen each other naked before, in army it wasn’t uncommon thing.

‘Go first’ Farrier replied, watching him as the blonde take his things out of his backpack. He did the same and put the fresh clothes on the bed, watching as the other one leaves. He wanted to follow him for one silly moment, but he realised how stupid this thought had been. The time when Collins was not in the room passed by so slowly, but when he looked at his watch, it was barely five minutes when the blonde was back. One look in his eyes and they both knew what the other one had in mind. He passed the man by and bit his lips, as he felt his body warmed up with a hot water. He was feeling the other man’s gaze following him until he closed the door. He needed a deep breath before he went to the bathroom.

When he was back, Collins was sitting on the bed by the window. His hair was still wet and drops fell down his neck to soak into the fabric of his shirt. Farrier followed this drop with his gaze and bit his lips when the man raised his hands in his direction. The door clicked quietly as Farrier locked it. He turned off the light, leaving only small desk lamp on. There was no hesitation in the man’s moves when he stepped closer. There was no hesitation in Collins action, as the man got up and grasped his neck to kiss him deeply. That was enough to make Farrier shiver, but that wasn’t enough for them with their bodies finally pressed so close together that they could practically feel each other’s hearts beating faster.

For a moment Farrier didn’t know what to do with his hands, but the way Collins whispered his name into his ear, gave him some courage. He took the blonde’s shirt off and bit his lips, appreciating the look of the man’s body and skin that was so light comparing to his own. Collins exhaled slowly as he felt the older man’s lips on his shoulder blade.

‘Your skin is soft’ Farrier whispered as he moved his hands down the blonde’s back.

Collins breath becomes heavier at the touch. He didn’t remember anyone touching him with such gentleness, as if he was something precious and delicate. Long time ago he would think that this soft touch doesn’t suit the way Farrier was. But he knew him better and the gentleness was exactly the way he was. Steel on the outside and soft on the inside. But this soft part was meant only for some people to see.

The Farrier’s shirt landed on the floor and Collins slowly traced his well-shaped torso with his fingers. He didn’t know whether he should look and appreciate the view of the man’s fine body or focus on the touch. That day in the morning it seemed impossible that it would ever happen and later they had the opportunity to discover each other slowly and with no rush. He could never even hope for that, but there they were, trembling and with anticipation and kissing as if it was their only chance to be so close.

‘Have you ever been with a man?’ Farrier asked because just until that day he would never expect him to fall for a man and now it was still too early to even think of his experiences.

‘Once’ said Collins and the older man had felt a little pang of jealousy even though the blonde couldn’t be his first either. Farrier didn’t have the courage to ask about the details, whether it was just once or whether he means one man. He didn’t want to know then, when he felt the other man’s hand on his hips, when they lips met again in another kiss, this time lustful and impatient. 

Farrier thinks that he has never wanted a man so badly. He wants to feel him, caress him, listen to his uneven breath and trembling whispers. He wants every piece of his body and soul and he can’t recall ever having such a feeling for anyone else. Collins smiles at him and the older pilot forgets that the rest of the world even exists.

In the small room in the foreign base there are only the two of them. And for the first time in their life both of them feel complete.

*

They managed to keep their relationship in secret only thanks to the fact that they were both seen just as very good friend; most had seen them as a perfect example of teacher-student relationship.

They didn’t spend much more time with each other, but they had enough time together when training and repairing planes. No one noticed the small differences between the two of them, no one realised that the look they gave each other from above the cup of tea when they sat across the canteen, was the look that meant comfort sometimes, sometimes was a playful invitation and the other time was just a silent reminder that they had each other.

In the army there weren’t many opportunities to have some quiet time together. Most of the time they shared was full of work and it was rare that they could some time alone without any duties to fulfil. As instructor, Farrier had a room with other flying teacher so they couldn’t be alone there. Sometimes they would go out for a long walk far away from the base, but they had to be back before the night shift. It was usually on Sundays when most of the soldiers went to the church and some didn’t – because they weren’t catholic, because they gave up faith or because didn’t want to attend the mass with knowledge that they could die on a mission next week.

‘I like winter’ whispered Collins, when they were sitting on the pier watching the frozen lake. People said that the ice was ten centimetres thick. It was enough to stand on it with no worry that it would crack because of the weight, so Collins borrowed the skates from the people living around, those that would sell the supplies for the base and the two was them was the ones who occasionally were send to get the food.

‘Winter?’ Farrier looked at him, surprised, as he fit the skates on his shoes. ‘It doesn’t make any sense. You’re always cold.’

‘I can always wear something for cold’ Collins shrugged and slowly got up to step on the ice with one foot. The ice didn’t crack so he took a deep breath and add the other foot on the ice. Then he smiled, contented. ‘People don’t go out much when it’s winter. You can go out for a long walk and not meet anyone who wants to chat with you, pretending to care while only having a need to get some new gossips. It’s quiet outside. I like it.’

Collins smiled when the man nodded at his words. He didn’t have any problem meeting with other people. In the base he had a few friends – no one was as close to him as Farrier, but he enjoyed spending time with them. But sometimes he didn’t feel like talking to anyone. Only Farrier was the one he could sit with and not say a word and the older man still felt comfortable around him.

‘That’s why we’re here? I guess only kids come here’ Farrier laughed and slowly got up. ‘It’s been years since I was skating. Don’t laugh!’

Collins laughed quietly at the embarrassed look on the man’s face. Farrier didn’t feel comfortable doing things he knew he wasn’t good at and the blonde man was the one who tried to get him out of his comfort zone. He was the one who made him dance with some girl in the town because, as he said, they had appearance to keep. Farrier was the unhappiest man in the world back then and he was upset for two days, but it was enough to make their comrades laugh that he got laid for the week.

‘Joining me, Hugh?’ asked Collins and raised his hand to help him. Farrier glared at him for using his middle name. He still couldn’t get used to the fact that the blonde man would randomly use it, because he liked the sound of this name. Collins used to say that he was always envious for his friends because he was the only one who had a middle name and he didn't like the fact.

Even upset as he was, Farrier clenched the other man’s hand to stand firmly on the ice of the lake. He looked at the frozen surface and then at Collins, who gave him a wide smile to encourage him. The older pilot kept his hand for a little too long before he released it and slowly glided straight trough the ice. He spread his arms to keep balance and Collins had to bit his lips not to laugh at his focused face.

Collins glided gracefully around him and laughed when their eyes met. He was moving quite naturally on the ice, but Farrier wasn’t surprised at this view since the blonde said that he used to skate every year because there was a small lake close to his home.

‘Don’t be so stiff, Hugh!’ the blonde shouted to him as he dashed to the other end of the lake.

The older pilot shot him another dead glare, but did as he was said. He worked up some courage when he was able to keep his legs as steady as possible. He took a deep breath, working up some courage to take longer strokes. As he got a little more used to the friction of the ice, he could speed up a bit. When Collins was back around him, Farrier was surprised that the other one was either so fast because for him it was just a moment since he left and he was sure that he had seen him far on the other end of the lake.

‘I’m not racing for any speed contest or something’ he said as if he needed to justify himself before the younger man.

‘Take your time, I’m around’ Collins gave him a reassuring smile.

‘I must look like a complete mess to you’ he exhaled heavily and took a long stroke, trying to keep up with Collins. That wasn’t a good idea, because the speed made him loose his balance.

Farrier gasped and instead of trying to get a balance again he closed his eyes, ready to fall flat on the ice. It didn’t happen. Collins was fast enough to glide back through the ice and catch him before he hit the ice.

‘We’re not racing, aren’t we?’ he reminded the other one, cautiously helping him up. Farrier opened his mouth to say something, but he didn’t.

He put his arm around the other one’s neck and kissed him deeply in the sudden need of intimacy. He didn’t think whether it was smart to do so, he didn’t think about the fact that someone could see them. It wasn’t important when he could feel the warmth of Collins body so close. The blonde man deepened the kiss, running his fingers through the older pilot’s short hair. Farrier lifted his hand to clench their fingers tightly and Collins was touched by this gesture. The man had always left him touched with those little gestures like gentle brush of his fingers when no one was looking, like soft kisses on the arm when they were out from the base, sleeping in one room and Farrier thought he was asleep or moments when he was grasping his hands like that, because those small gestures was something that made him think that their relationship was getting stronger and stronger as long as they managed with their intimacy remaining a secret.

They were both breathless as they moved away with their lips reddened and eyes glistening with the need. Farrier looked around and smiled, relieved, because there was no one to see that kiss. The lake was surrounded by meadows, so if there was someone nearby, they would notice that.

‘Sorry…. Didn’t think much’ said Farrier and Collins smiled at him, raising his hand to the man’s cheek.

‘I don’t mind. It’s good thing to stop thinking of it for a moment’ he whispered as he grasped his hand in a firm grip to dash through the ice with surprised Farrier following him without hesitation.

*

‘Where is he?!’ the hospital wings’ door closed behind Farrier with a loud snap. The nurse that appeared in the hall looked at him, visibly scared of his shout. It rarely happened that someone visited this place like these. One of the rookies, who came to his training to tell him the news, tried to calm him down and reminded that he can’t be so loud because disturb the peace of the patients. Farrier couldn’t care less about the others when his mind was preoccupied with Collins. ‘Where is Collins? He was back from the mission, wounded’ he said, his voice demanding.

The nurse looked at him, then she looked at the rookie behind him, and she seemed ready to decline his question, but the older nurse appeared behind her. She glanced at Farrier with her arms folded on her chest.

‘Calm down, young man. You’re in the hospital’ she remarked him with a serious tone. Farrier calmed down a littleeven though just a moment ago he was ready to force his way to the hospital rooms if they wouldn’t tell him where the younger man was. ‘Name?’

‘Collins’ he said without even thinking.

‘No, young man. Your name’ she said with her voice confident. Comparing to the young nurse standing beside her, she wasn’t impressed at all by the rank visible on epaulet of his jacket. ‘In case you will not behave, I will have you reported. So?’

‘Farrier. William Farrier, Madame’ he said and took a deep breath, trying to keep calm. The woman seemed to a be strict one and he didn’t want to give her any reason to report him. ‘I was told that James Collins was brought here after mission. Wounded. He’s my flying partner. Could I see him?’

‘And that is how you ask for a visit, Mr. Farrier. Politely. Not barging into the hospital wing and shouting as some savage. People are recovering here, Mr. Farrier’ she said as she invited him to go further. ‘Mister Collins underwent surgery, but he should be conscious by now. Amy will lead to the room he is now. And you, Mr. Farrier, you will consider the fact that he is not the only person in the room and not interrupt their rest. Are we clear?’

‘Yes, Madame’ he bowed slightly at her and bit his lips.

Farrier followed the young nurse, clearly nervous. Collins was alive, that was the most important thing now, but surgery sounded serious and it wasn’t uncommon that surgeries went wrong. He shook his head, trying to brush off the thought from his mind. Collins was back, he wasn’t left on some goddamn island where the mission was heading to, and now the only thing that was important was his recovery.

The man’s lips curved into a slight grimace when he entered the room. The smell of antiseptics was strong and he hated that. It reminded him of two situations when he got stuck in hospital, but none of this actually happened after he joined the air forces. When he noticed Collins on one of the beds at the back of the room, he wanted to rush straight to him, but then he reminded himself words of the nurse and decided to listen to what she said. Something had told him that she wasn’t lying about this reporting thing.

He clenches his fist at the look of his lover. Collins face is as white as the sheets that cover his body and Farrier has no idea whether the man is unconscious or just sleeping. He doesn’t have any shirt on and there is a bandage over his chest and waist, but Farrier can’t say anything more because the man’s body is covered. He sits down on the stool beside the bed and wants to scream. Because he wasn’t there to protect him. He wants to touch his hand and make sure it’s still warm, but the look of the man’s chest slowly rising has to be enough. He opens his eyes wider as he can see the blonde slowly moving his hand in the white sheets, as if he was looking for something. His hand – he realises and gently cover the man’s hand with his own. It’s nothing bad – he decides. The patients around are asleep and the gesture is small, it lasts barely five seconds, but it’s enough for Collins to smile weakly.

‘Hugh…’ the blonde whispered with his voice hoarse and Farrier bit his lips at the sound.

‘I’m here’ he said, fighting himself to put his hand back in Collins hand. Would it be so obvious if he kept holding his hand for the whole visit…?

‘Good. I… When I open my eyes, my head is spinning, sorry’ another whisper made the older man’s heart hurt. He hated when the younger man said he was sorry when there was nothing he should had been sorry about. But it was so like him.

‘Don’t be sorry’ he said softly and moved his gaze on the man’s body as he slowly studied his lean form. He was always slim, but then, so pale in that white sheet, with dark rings round his eyes he seemed so small and gentle. ‘You’re back. You’re safe’

‘I didn’t say goodbye’ Collins smiled and moved his hand to slowly touch the other’s with his fingers. He knew he shouldn’t, but he needed to make sure that Farrier was really there. He squinted his eyes to look at the man and closed it tightly shortly after, because the spinning in his head is unbearable. ‘I’m not saying goodbye, you understand?’

Farrier moved away, feeling his eyes suddenly burn at the man’s words. How could he even say that? He understood what he meant very well, but still it didn’t make him any less nervous about the man’s mission.

‘My plane… Broken. Had to run. I am… Not good in hand-to-hand combat. Got stabbed in the side. Harry got me back’ he explained with his voice trembling a little. ‘It doesn’t hurt yet. There is probably more morphine in my bloodstream than actual blood’ he laughed. For Farrier seeing his lover in this state is no reason to laugh. ‘Will you spar with me when I’m better, Hugh? You’re good at it.’

The older man wasn’t sure whether Collins was serious or not, but nodded at the question. It took him a moment to realise that the blonde still had his eyes closed, so he said it aloud:

‘Yeah. Yes, I will spar with you when you recover’ he promised.

Collins was silence for a very long time, so Farrier just kept him company, making sure that everything was good. It wasn’t and he didn’t even notice that before the blonde mentioned it himself.

‘I think I’m feverish’ Collins whispered. The older man opened his eyes widely, because somehow he got impression that if the surgery was done and the blonde was conscious, everything was about to be better. He needs a moment to get a grip and put a hand on the man’s forehead. It’s hot. He gave the man some water and asked him to be calm as he left to call the nurse.

He visited Collins almost every day, somehow managing to arrange his duties so that he could spend some time in the hospital wing. He brought Collins books to read and he was laughing because the blonde read one book a day and their library wasn’t so good to provide him enough amount of good literature. The blonde regretted that he was too weak to drive for the supplies with him, but was content when Farrier came back with new books for him.

By the time a month has passed, he was fully recovered and ready to spar with him. He tried his best training with him on the ground and he was happy to be in the air again, enjoying their passionate races in the sky.

*

‘I’m afraid this time’ whispered Collins as he laid down on the wooden pier, looking at the black sky above them. There was no single star and the moon was also covered with a dense clouds. The night is so dark, that they can barely see each other. The night air was warm again and they could practically feel the upcoming summer on their skin. They were back at their habit of spending the evening before the mission out, preferably by the lake, because the calmness of the place made Collins relaxed.

Collins had had bad feelings for days, but Farrier said that it was an easy mission. Collins didn’t agree to that after he had realised how responsible their mission was.

 ‘Don’t be afraid. We’ll be back soon’ the older pilot promised and laid down on his side to see him better, even in surrounding them darkness.

‘Have you read Huxley’s already?’ he asked and Farrier laughed at his words. He pulled out his hands to gently brush the younger man’s lips with his fingers. Collins bit him and Farrier laughed even louder.

‘I’m in the middle of reading. I should manage to read it on time.’

The blonde hums something quietly in reply and lifts up his hand to touch the man’s cheek. The clouds parts, revealing the silver moon’s disk and letting Farrier see Collins’ face. His eyes are full of fear and it hurts the older pilot just to see it. It’s the first time he sees the younger man so worried about the mission.

He would have done anything not to see him like that, but he knows no words good enough to comfort him before the mission that is assigned to them.

‘Fin?’ he starts and grasps the other man’s hand to kiss it gently.

Collins smiles at the touch and it is enough to make Farrier smile either. The blonde gives him a questioning look and also lies on the side to see the man’s better. Farrier takes a deep breath and bites his lips as the younger man clenches their fingers in a tighter grip.

‘I love you’ he whispers for the first time and it’s enough to make Collins eyes water. It’s enough to make Collins gasp for breath and then embrace him tightly. He is touched at the unexpected confession. Even if the feelings between them seemed obvious, both of them were afraid of saying it aloud. As if those three words could make the whole world fall apart.

It takes Collins a few minutes to pull himself together and it’s possible only because Farrier is still so gentle with him, caressing his back and keeping him close. He leans back slowly and takes the other man’s face in his trembling hands. He wants to say something beautiful, something that would make this moment even more precious than it is, but he finds himself losing words at the look he gets from Farrier. Even if the man’s tries to hide it, his eyes are full of emotions and anticipation.

‘I love you too. You are my everything’ he whispers and smiles, touched, when the man gently wipe the single tear from his cheek.


End file.
